Facing the Past

One of the hardest issues I deal with in my weight loss is confronting the past.

It was not joy to grow up being a chubby-fat kid. "Fatty fatty 2x4" was one of many names I was called in school. The prejudice I faced at school was mirrored at home. No one in my family ever called me names, but words my parents said hurt a great deal, and usually had me eating more.

I remember my dad trying to bribe me to lose weight. He would offer money, new clothes, a trip somewhere if I would lose weight. He even lectured me about how fat people do not get good jobs, promotions, or nice homes. Keep in mind he told me the same thing about being gay. If I had lost weight at these times, I can guarantee it would have come back, and may have doubled, because I would have been doing it for the wrong reasons.

Last night my dad told me how great I looked, and how he did not recognize me at the airport. I could tell he was very happy. I wish he had just stopped at that comment. Sad to say he continued. He said, "If only you would have done this 20 years ago when I wanted you to." Let that comment sink in for a moment.......

I responded, "Dad if I had done that, I would have been doing it for you and not me, and could have gained even more weight." I tried to explain emotional eating to him, but I could tell he didn't get it. To him heavy people are lazy, and just don't want to lose weight. After I finished he said, "Well you will live longer now," and went back to his paper.

I knew visiting my dad would have moments of difficulty. This was one of them. Still I felt good that I responded, and at least got my point across - even if it may have fallen on deaf ears.

My dad is a bigot. I know that is a strong term, but I have listened to him all my life talk down about other ethnic groups and heavy people. He probably has no idea how harmful his words were to me. At 88 he is not changing, and I have accepted that.

Dinner was a quiet affair after our conversation. I felt my eating habits were being watched. When I was offered seconds I had a small serving - I was hungry, and ran 8 miles yesterday. Dad asked if this would affect my diet. I went into the "I'm not on a diet speech" and I think he understood. Oh heck...who am I kidding...he didn't.

Still...I did not let his comments get me down, and fell pretty good this morning.

:-)Charlie